Tomorrow will be the day where I close half of the chapter of my life.A life which I had spent most of my twenties in. Or rather 9.5 years of my twenties.
Filled with very mixed feelings. And I guess only those who had similar fate as me will understand how I feel.
It’s no longer the question of love. Nor the thought of spending the rest of my life with a person who is not worth for.
It’s the thought of destiny and fate, together with regrets and hurts, mixed with uncertainty & fear.
On one hand I was glad that I no longer need to try to please him, or pick up his dirty clothes from the floor or sofa, or that to wonder about his whereabouts, on the other hand, I do miss our good times together. I miss the instant mee served when I was hungry or the company to try the new food outlets.
However, coming to think of these, I realised that I rather stop picking up the dirty clothes or enduring the betrayed heart, than to have that plate of instant mee. I have hands. I will cook better stuff for myself. I have many good friends, they will explore new food outlets with me.
Aug & Sep marked one year where things went loose. Last year this day, I was helpless, betrayed, vexed. I was fighting back tears and dragged the heavy tummy with a very heavy heart. I was lonely at night and spent countless sleepless nights. Last year these months, I lost him.
This year this month, I stood up. I stood firm. The wind which is gushing against me is strong. Each of my steps are heavy. But I will endure as much as I can…till the day the wind bring me with her…..
Court is a lonely place. It’s cold. Extremely cold. The people there, the building itself, or even the toilets are icing cold. How much tears were shed there? How much hurt was buried there?
Marriage can be ended with a hearing and a paper. But the tears and hurt will always be there.
I hate to be alone there. Yet I know I can’t have anyone to be with me. Having comfort at the wrong place at the wrong time will only drive tears of sympathy. And I had promised myself that I will never drop a single tear in Court. I do not want to feel sorry for myself.
But once out of court, I want accompany. I need them. But I have no one. I want a shoulder to cry, a hug to tell me everything is going to be ok, I need a space where I can cry but do not need to explain why I am crying. I need that someone who will understand why I cry, that I am not crying because of him, but because of the year of torture had finally come to the end. Tears of sadness, tears of regrets and tears of relief.
Where’s my space? Where is my tears going to flow?
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