Bz Mommy

Hey, I am back!  Couldn’t bring myself to type anything here all these while…no energy, no motivation, no anything…

Good news is, we are expecting to see our “Junior 2nd” in Apr next year! And that explains my MIA, and my condition.

Nothing else to describe but only – BAD.  Bad morning ALL DAY sickness, bad headaches, bad fainting spells, bad insomnia. It’s just bad.

Oh ya, and bad sensitive nose that makes me start puking almost everytime..and that includes the cooking smell, the western food smell, the bad breath, fish smell etc.

I was admitted to Mt A for a 36 hours drip during my 8th week due to non-stop vomiting (yah, the green gastric juice and the yellow bile juice plus some blood stains joined in the fun).  Just Bad.

And of ‘cos my hubby had some non-peaceful moments with his ears because of my constant whining, crying and complaining :p

Thankfully I am better now, the ALL DAY sickness started to take a vacation on some days and return on other days.  Even though I wished they never return to find me, but having them taking a vacation is better than hosting them every single day.

And I missed food! It’s so much different from Dawn’s time, where I have no craving when having the morning sickness. This time, I craved for food! Miserable issn’t? Craved for food but yet cannot eat them because of their taste or smell.

I missed the Egg Pratas…

And the hot curry..

And Laksa!

And fries with MEAT and more meat!

And BBQ Meat, Long John Silver, KFC, and the list went on and on…

I better watch my weight when my appetite improves

This song was a reinforcement of what I had felt and had penned my status on Facebook.

曲：李正帆 词：姚若龙
编辑：haoxuan

黄昏过后 暖暖的晚风中

在小公园里头

眼眶红了

看老公公和老婆婆在散步着

把手牢牢握着

星星亮了 我觉得幸福就是这样的

几十年后 你也变老公公 我当你的拐杖

扶着你走 眼睛花了

你老花眼镜就是我

把时间忘了 慢慢走

美丽风景 我为你转播不让你错过

能和你牵手 我是幸福的

你就像温柔又顽固的石头

用心盖了座 最美的城堡叫永久 圈住我

不管过再久也会幸福的

我们都走过了动摇的时候

爱已变成树 就算是有风会平息的

被懂我的人爱着 我是幸福的

连沉默都能是交流

你总是能给我比我想的还要多

我爱你 不做你的公主 要做你的快乐

My pretty iphone case!

A long post and it contains some pictures which can be offensive to some.  Don’t say I never warn you

It is not by purpose for a week of absence from blog, but rather an incapability to pen my thoughts down.  I had temporary became rather handicapped on my right hand because I had an operation.

I had discovered 1 lump near my right hand ring finger and soon there were 2.  Even though they do not cause any pain even when pressed, I was still very concern with the extra growth. I went to my regular GP and he told me there’s nothing to worry about because it’s most likely water cyst and that even after removed, they will still grow back.

So I left them be.

And then they grew – to quite a noticable size. Can you see them from this photo? This was taken a few days before my operation. If you can’t see them, then try comparing to your palm.

And so I went to Dear’s regular GP and he suggested that I take them out.  It was planned to take them out in his clinic but when I returned to him 3 weeks after for the minor surgery, the GP said that it had grew and it was more dangerous to extract in clinic and I should be referred to Specialist immediately.

I was referred to SGH and my operation was fixed 2 weeks after, which was the next operation available as the surgeon only operates on Fridays and the next 2 weeks were public holidays.

It was a horrifying experience to me.  My hand had to be placed in an awarkard position and the stupid needle was painful to my thin skin on my palm. I can literally feel the cutting pain initially and I have to keep saying PAIN PAIN PAIN to make the surgeons inject more anesthetic.

After about 5 minutes (I was facing the clock and was staring at it throughout the ordeal), I heard the surgeon asked his nurse to request for a camera.  And the next moment, he said,

“Hazel, I have a good news and a bad news for you, which one do you want to hear first?”

I was nervous. And I mumbled “Just say”.

The surgeon told me that the lumps are actually tumour and not ganglion as what was initally diagnosed.  However, the good news was the tumours are benign.  The bad news was, they are nerve tumours and that some nerves had to be removed together with the tumours (which means it will affect my touch senses in future).

What happened next are all in a dazed.  I was worried, scared, curious, nervous and all different sorts of feelings seem to just dwell on me.

Oh ya, there are 3 tumours instead of 2 and they line in a straight line on my nerve.  They look like macadamia nuts!

And I left the operating theatre with a big bandage..

Side view :

I looked as if I had just survived a cat fight.

My stiches healed well and I went back to SGH for review and changed my bandage.  I took a photo of my stitched wound while waiting for my turn to the surgeon’s room. Long and ugly scar

I am going to remove the stitches next week. I still feel the pain at the wound area and when doing some actions with my hands. I had lost sensation on one side of my ring finger but the surgeon said that it will recover slowly.  I doubt it will be for the next few years. But I am thankful that the tumours are not cancerous and I still have my life to keep.

This is my fifth operation since my birth.  The experience of each operation is just different..

First

I was only 5-6 years old then.  Wanted to play hide and seek with my sister who just came back from school and I ran to hide in the bedroom.  But instead of hiding, I ran and tripped and knocked my lips onto the sharp edge of the door and fountain of blood just shot out from the lips. I was crying, my mom was nervous, it was lunch time and a neighbour helped me to a cab and brought me to a clinic which operate during lunch. I was left with 3 stitches and a puffy lower lips.  I can’t recalled much on the whole event after being sent to the doctor but I remembered the cloth which the doctor covered my face when stitching me smell like some biscuit.  Maybe I was hungry.

Second

I was in Poly Year 1/2 and had an abscess at my armpit (yah, of all places -.-) I had to have some surgical intervention and my eldest sis had to rush down from work to admit me to NUH (I still need a guardian because I was not 21 yet!).  I was in pain ‘cos the swelling was really very bad. My family were still laughing at me till these day because of the tears that I shed in front of the doctors and nurses -.-

My family members were all with me.  But I was yielding for someone to visit me.  A heartless man who two-timed me and a good friend.  And of ‘cos he never turned up because he didn’t know I was admitted.

The day I was discharged, a guy friend called.  When I told him I was in hospital the day before, his long silence and response after was something which I had not expected.  A year later, he was my boyfriend for the next 2 years.

Third

Had to go for an operation (it’s pte and thus I am not going into details :p ) at the age of 25.  My mom accompanied me. Had to stay one night in the hospital as its GA operation. Thinking back, I was foolish for not realising that the man then was not the right person to get married with. He didn’t take leave from work (it was a sat) to accompany me for the operation.  He came in the afternoon but was playing with his game gadget half of the time.  And I had to keep reminding him to come early to fetch me the next morning.  The feeling was totally wrong…

Fouth

Ok, this might not be categorised as an operation but I was in a delivery ward.  Yes, it’s bringing Dawn to this earth. My second sister was with me. 15 hours of labour and the bastard was out drinking in a pub .

I can still remember Dawn’s look when she was being cleaned.  Her eyes, her expression, her emotion, they are all still very clear in my mind now.

Fifth

A horrifying experience because it’s local anesthetic.  Being awake while being cut is just an awful feeling.

The only thing which had made me brave and loved was the presence of him.  When I first stepped out of the operating theatre, he was already sitted there waiting for me.  I was in a dazed but his presence had reassured me. He took leave without me having to ask. And he stayed 2 nights with us so as to help me with Dawn.

I remembered I was very talkative after the operation and in the cab. And I know I was not behaving myself.  The talkativeness was just to hide my frightful experience in the theatre..I think he sensed it and just let me rattle on….

Thanks baby :*

I had declared the things that I wanted to complete…long way back in Oct 2007.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, it probably mean you had missed that long-ago post.

And I finally did it in Aug 2009! 2 years leh! But that’s because I only get to go for lesson once a week or some of the weeks/months I could not go for any lessons at all!

It was tough.  Sacrificing my only sleep-in morning in the week, waking up the same time as the Mon-Fri, rushing back from the school to take care dawn, having to tahan the nags from the various instructor that my lessons once per week is not enough -.- etc

I probably end up not driving in my lifetime at all (like my mom), but well, it’s still something which I used to think that I can never get the licence.  It was a step for me and the promise which I had made to myself.

Though I didn’t get the licence in the 1st try (nor the 2nd! -.-), but I still can’t help but to tell myself, I made it!

Yes, feeling very miserable now.

I am having Hives outbreak since Tuesday Night.  It’s super itchy, ugly and swollen. Had to return to the doc to take the jab today.  It was so painful taking the jab because my skin is already very sensitive to touch.

Doctor cannot determine the exact reason for this hives attack, which is usually the case because hives can be a result of many factors.  But he told me the my stress level, the contact to dusts due to site visit which I went on Tuesday afternoon could be the reason for this attack.

It’s all not worth it lo!  Have to work so hard to get the bread and butter, now still have to suffer because I wanted to be responsible in my work. 

Took some photos of the ugly hives..these are only part of the hives, imagine the whole body are full of these

I have nothing to expect…. because I am already contented.  Life may not be in that expected perfection, but is it a life or is it a journey?

This journey had been tough so far, but it could be much tougher without you.

I know I had burdened you somehow someway for sure, but you had always told me I had not.

Certain words are so hard to be said, to really describe the real feelings and thoughts within.

Tears are warm and they meant something more than joy.

The sunny flowers made me look like a silly girl infront of the delivery man (who is also the florist boss and his personal friend! -.-), but who will not feel silly-ly loved with the sight of the big bouquet?

Knowing that these flowers cannot be kept for long, who will still bear to spend that kind of money? I knew he did it for me.

Thanks baby, for this surprise (yah, good job for sending it on Thursday instead of Friday), for this to keep me smiling in the midst of the stressful job, for this thought, for this love.

↑ ↓ sunny flowers! 1 to cheer the day, 3 to say he loves me, 12 to say be happy cos he loves me! :p

Weeks before, I had some cheap thrill while we had a lazy afternoon.  Trying to see how well we can cooperate to make the heart shape with our hands.

First try :

Not too bad for a 1st-timer la, out of shaped..and a fat heart

Try again :

Nice boh! quite nice liao la! hand almost got cramp can?! it’s hard to do that and taking the photo using the phone!

Cheap thrill can be nice once a while..doing silly things together can be very fun too

Barely 1 month to the new year…and I am feeling really tired.  How can that be?  Am I really that old?

So many things happened in the span of 3 weeks, I felt so breathless.  Almost every night, I reached home gasping for air while having my dinner.

It doesn’t help when my luck seems to be quite bad these few weeks.

It also doesn’t help when the kid was sick.

Dawn was rather sick after she went school for 5 days. And for the last 2 weeks, she stopped going school because she was having a bad running nose and a very bad “wet” cough.

As a result of her sickness, she could not sleep very well at night, which of ‘cos affected me.  I had little sleep for a couple of days, to the extend that I thought I was running on backup battery in the day.  With the numerous things that I had to complete in the day, there were no other choice but to put on a strong front at work.  I have a wonderful mom, who helped me for one of the nights after she heard Dawn cried every 15 minutes.  I was totally worn out.  My mom too.

Don’t mention the > $200 medical bills and the paid school feels. I am not “niao” towards my girl, what’s needs to spend have to be spent… but money is just so hard to earn nowadays.

Beside this, there are also work matters. Balls are flying around and I have to be quick in catching the balls.  Not going to blog much about work today..I will keep them in another post.

Something is wrong with my precious PSP.  Though I still can play games on it, it will get hanged or hard to start-up.  Haiz.

Even a fruit can bully me because I forgot about it and it squashed in my bag and stained my precious PSP.

And worst, I fell down and hurt my knees and left wrist 2 days ago.  All because of too much things on my mind. Now both the knee area are swollen and every move hurts.

When will all these end?? Can I have some quietness and peace?  It can be boring at times, but at least it can allow me to have dinner without trying to gasp for air from the same hole at the same time.

Ok, I am ranting. >:[

It was hard to make this decision to leave.  But when the act of giving the letter was done, everything seems easy enough.

I do still have feelings for this place.  Afterall, I had been there for 8.5 years. Not very very long, but it’s not short either.  That place saw me through my studies, bad economy where retrenched news were heard every now and then, my happy and heartbreaking times, my pregnancy and the growing moments of baby Dawn.

Well, I am looking forward to my new challenges.  Though every workplace has their pros and cons, I am quietly hoping that I can fit into the new place and job fast.

So, some memories of my little comfort area in that old place…

↑ My workstation.  The very 1st owner of this space, the pc, the phone and everything else! Saw Dawn’s picture? Those cutie photos perks me up when I was frustrated with the work.  She’s my little motivator ‘cos i need the money for her milk! haha!

↑ The little cosy pantry area in the training centre.

↑ I am going to miss these vending machines!

↑ Look at the biscuits/bread in the vending machine! Just nice for that little tea break.

↑ This is where my coffee was served every morning.

I bought some parting gifts for my colleagues.  Though they are simple gifts, I spent like 1 hour outside the store with Dear and Dawn, trying to pick out the gifts for 19 of them. Spent a few hours to stick the names, the personal notes and the magnets.  Dawn chipped in her help too, but most of the time she tried to peel out those stickers which I had already pasted properly.

↑ The front.

↑ The back.

I was worried that I will cry on my last day, you know those kind of feelings that you packed your once-messy table to a clean one?  Dear smsed me near to 5:30pm and told me to be bold. And I am glad I am.