Busy Mommy

A long post and it contains some pictures which can be offensive to some.  Don’t say I never warn you

It is not by purpose for a week of absence from blog, but rather an incapability to pen my thoughts down.  I had temporary became rather handicapped on my right hand because I had an operation.

I had discovered 1 lump near my right hand ring finger and soon there were 2.  Even though they do not cause any pain even when pressed, I was still very concern with the extra growth. I went to my regular GP and he told me there’s nothing to worry about because it’s most likely water cyst and that even after removed, they will still grow back.

So I left them be.

And then they grew – to quite a noticable size. Can you see them from this photo? This was taken a few days before my operation. If you can’t see them, then try comparing to your palm.

And so I went to Dear’s regular GP and he suggested that I take them out.  It was planned to take them out in his clinic but when I returned to him 3 weeks after for the minor surgery, the GP said that it had grew and it was more dangerous to extract in clinic and I should be referred to Specialist immediately.

I was referred to SGH and my operation was fixed 2 weeks after, which was the next operation available as the surgeon only operates on Fridays and the next 2 weeks were public holidays.

It was a horrifying experience to me.  My hand had to be placed in an awarkard position and the stupid needle was painful to my thin skin on my palm. I can literally feel the cutting pain initially and I have to keep saying PAIN PAIN PAIN to make the surgeons inject more anesthetic.

After about 5 minutes (I was facing the clock and was staring at it throughout the ordeal), I heard the surgeon asked his nurse to request for a camera.  And the next moment, he said,

“Hazel, I have a good news and a bad news for you, which one do you want to hear first?”

I was nervous. And I mumbled “Just say”.

The surgeon told me that the lumps are actually tumour and not ganglion as what was initally diagnosed.  However, the good news was the tumours are benign.  The bad news was, they are nerve tumours and that some nerves had to be removed together with the tumours (which means it will affect my touch senses in future).

What happened next are all in a dazed.  I was worried, scared, curious, nervous and all different sorts of feelings seem to just dwell on me.

Oh ya, there are 3 tumours instead of 2 and they line in a straight line on my nerve.  They look like macadamia nuts!

And I left the operating theatre with a big bandage..

Side view :

I looked as if I had just survived a cat fight.

My stiches healed well and I went back to SGH for review and changed my bandage.  I took a photo of my stitched wound while waiting for my turn to the surgeon’s room. Long and ugly scar

I am going to remove the stitches next week. I still feel the pain at the wound area and when doing some actions with my hands. I had lost sensation on one side of my ring finger but the surgeon said that it will recover slowly.  I doubt it will be for the next few years. But I am thankful that the tumours are not cancerous and I still have my life to keep.

This is my fifth operation since my birth.  The experience of each operation is just different..

First

I was only 5-6 years old then.  Wanted to play hide and seek with my sister who just came back from school and I ran to hide in the bedroom.  But instead of hiding, I ran and tripped and knocked my lips onto the sharp edge of the door and fountain of blood just shot out from the lips. I was crying, my mom was nervous, it was lunch time and a neighbour helped me to a cab and brought me to a clinic which operate during lunch. I was left with 3 stitches and a puffy lower lips.  I can’t recalled much on the whole event after being sent to the doctor but I remembered the cloth which the doctor covered my face when stitching me smell like some biscuit.  Maybe I was hungry.

Second

I was in Poly Year 1/2 and had an abscess at my armpit (yah, of all places -.-) I had to have some surgical intervention and my eldest sis had to rush down from work to admit me to NUH (I still need a guardian because I was not 21 yet!).  I was in pain ‘cos the swelling was really very bad. My family were still laughing at me till these day because of the tears that I shed in front of the doctors and nurses -.-

My family members were all with me.  But I was yielding for someone to visit me.  A heartless man who two-timed me and a good friend.  And of ‘cos he never turned up because he didn’t know I was admitted.

The day I was discharged, a guy friend called.  When I told him I was in hospital the day before, his long silence and response after was something which I had not expected.  A year later, he was my boyfriend for the next 2 years.

Third

Had to go for an operation (it’s pte and thus I am not going into details :p ) at the age of 25.  My mom accompanied me. Had to stay one night in the hospital as its GA operation. Thinking back, I was foolish for not realising that the man then was not the right person to get married with. He didn’t take leave from work (it was a sat) to accompany me for the operation.  He came in the afternoon but was playing with his game gadget half of the time.  And I had to keep reminding him to come early to fetch me the next morning.  The feeling was totally wrong…

Fouth

Ok, this might not be categorised as an operation but I was in a delivery ward.  Yes, it’s bringing Dawn to this earth. My second sister was with me. 15 hours of labour and the bastard was out drinking in a pub .

I can still remember Dawn’s look when she was being cleaned.  Her eyes, her expression, her emotion, they are all still very clear in my mind now.

Fifth

A horrifying experience because it’s local anesthetic.  Being awake while being cut is just an awful feeling.

The only thing which had made me brave and loved was the presence of him.  When I first stepped out of the operating theatre, he was already sitted there waiting for me.  I was in a dazed but his presence had reassured me. He took leave without me having to ask. And he stayed 2 nights with us so as to help me with Dawn.

I remembered I was very talkative after the operation and in the cab. And I know I was not behaving myself.  The talkativeness was just to hide my frightful experience in the theatre..I think he sensed it and just let me rattle on….

Thanks baby :*

Thanks for all the good people who walked with me in 2009. Thanks for all the good things that had decided to fall on me in 2009. Thanks for all the not-so-good people and things in 2009, you had made me tougher.

What comes into your mind when you see or hear this?

~ Very noisy leh! Stop disturbing my afternoon nap!

~ Dusty leh! Better close the windows or all the dust comes into my house!

~ Why everyday also dig de! Dig here liao then dig there, cannot stop de meh?

and the list goes on…the above speaks your mind?

Well…there must be reason for all the digging lah, incase you are wondering.  And bear this in mind, the people who are doing all the hard work under the hot sun, they didn’t like it either. But they have mouths to feed..

And one of the mouths was me…

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Yap, that’s my dad profession. I used profession because does your dad know how?  If it’s not something of a common knowledge or skill, then my dad is indeed skillful and professional enough.  Just like not everyone can be certified as an accountant, nor as a doctor or a lawyer, same goes to the one who operate that machine!

He’s my dad, and I am proud of him!

I had declared the things that I wanted to complete…long way back in Oct 2007.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, it probably mean you had missed that long-ago post.

And I finally did it in Aug 2009! 2 years leh! But that’s because I only get to go for lesson once a week or some of the weeks/months I could not go for any lessons at all!

It was tough.  Sacrificing my only sleep-in morning in the week, waking up the same time as the Mon-Fri, rushing back from the school to take care dawn, having to tahan the nags from the various instructor that my lessons once per week is not enough -.- etc

I probably end up not driving in my lifetime at all (like my mom), but well, it’s still something which I used to think that I can never get the licence.  It was a step for me and the promise which I had made to myself.

Though I didn’t get the licence in the 1st try (nor the 2nd! -.-), but I still can’t help but to tell myself, I made it!

Those creative mood…

Those bo liao mood…

Those notti modd…

:p

Something is missing.  But I don’t know what.

Maybe the fear that caused it.

Or maybe the stress.

Could be the time running out.

Maybe it just depleted.

I don’t know.  WHAT IS MISSING??

…. when this happens…

How to cross the road like that? By the time the bus manage to move off, the green man has changed to red man..

I have nothing to expect…. because I am already contented.  Life may not be in that expected perfection, but is it a life or is it a journey?

This journey had been tough so far, but it could be much tougher without you.

I know I had burdened you somehow someway for sure, but you had always told me I had not.

Certain words are so hard to be said, to really describe the real feelings and thoughts within.

Tears are warm and they meant something more than joy.

The sunny flowers made me look like a silly girl infront of the delivery man (who is also the florist boss and his personal friend! -.-), but who will not feel silly-ly loved with the sight of the big bouquet?

Knowing that these flowers cannot be kept for long, who will still bear to spend that kind of money? I knew he did it for me.

Thanks baby, for this surprise (yah, good job for sending it on Thursday instead of Friday), for this to keep me smiling in the midst of the stressful job, for this thought, for this love.

↑ ↓ sunny flowers! 1 to cheer the day, 3 to say he loves me, 12 to say be happy cos he loves me! :p

Weeks before, I had some cheap thrill while we had a lazy afternoon.  Trying to see how well we can cooperate to make the heart shape with our hands.

First try :

Not too bad for a 1st-timer la, out of shaped..and a fat heart

Try again :

Nice boh! quite nice liao la! hand almost got cramp can?! it’s hard to do that and taking the photo using the phone!

Cheap thrill can be nice once a while..doing silly things together can be very fun too

Barely 1 month to the new year…and I am feeling really tired.  How can that be?  Am I really that old?

So many things happened in the span of 3 weeks, I felt so breathless.  Almost every night, I reached home gasping for air while having my dinner.

It doesn’t help when my luck seems to be quite bad these few weeks.

It also doesn’t help when the kid was sick.

Dawn was rather sick after she went school for 5 days. And for the last 2 weeks, she stopped going school because she was having a bad running nose and a very bad “wet” cough.

As a result of her sickness, she could not sleep very well at night, which of ‘cos affected me.  I had little sleep for a couple of days, to the extend that I thought I was running on backup battery in the day.  With the numerous things that I had to complete in the day, there were no other choice but to put on a strong front at work.  I have a wonderful mom, who helped me for one of the nights after she heard Dawn cried every 15 minutes.  I was totally worn out.  My mom too.

Don’t mention the > $200 medical bills and the paid school feels. I am not “niao” towards my girl, what’s needs to spend have to be spent… but money is just so hard to earn nowadays.

Beside this, there are also work matters. Balls are flying around and I have to be quick in catching the balls.  Not going to blog much about work today..I will keep them in another post.

Something is wrong with my precious PSP.  Though I still can play games on it, it will get hanged or hard to start-up.  Haiz.

Even a fruit can bully me because I forgot about it and it squashed in my bag and stained my precious PSP.

And worst, I fell down and hurt my knees and left wrist 2 days ago.  All because of too much things on my mind. Now both the knee area are swollen and every move hurts.

When will all these end?? Can I have some quietness and peace?  It can be boring at times, but at least it can allow me to have dinner without trying to gasp for air from the same hole at the same time.

Ok, I am ranting. >:[

…… you.

When I was worried that we will have nothing to talk about in days to come, you said you will fill in the gap.

For those times when I thought that I had offered too much suggestions or opinions and was unsure whether you find me a nag, you said that my opinions and understanding has always mattered to you.

And that particular moment when I was afraid that I will go to hell instead of heaven, you told me not to worry, as you will be there with me.

When my smses to you seems to be crying for help and in distress, you called immediately to help me get past those confused emotions.

You chased after the little girl on our Sat and gave me those pockets of rest time, when you were also tired because of the hectic schedules of work and school through the week.

 You said you need to buy a new phone for me when a couple of smses between us never reach each other.

Many more words, many more things, many more moments. It’s the year of knowing you that brightens me.  Countless of msn history (Yes i have them!), loads of smses and lots of late night calls. Promise me, lets keep communicating, till the very last breath.

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Nov the 10th.  The very special date. For your courage and my courage. And the very nice dinner.

↓ Sakana, and the very nice dishes! Too bad I was not feeling very well, and didn’t have my beer.  Started coughing when I stole a few sips of Dear’s beer. Bleah!